How Do We Deal with the "Punctually-challenged?"

Jay posed the following question on the thread dealing with punctuality at Millennial Star, "I wonder what our response to the punctually challenged should be?" link to comment

That's a great question to ask, and it prompted the following thoughts:

I witnessed how one ward dealt with a wonderful sister who was beloved by all, despite her tendancy to be late to everything. Sister X was bright, faithful, beautiful, active, and had many admirable character qualities. But she was continually late. Always apologetic, but always late.

In a way, looking back on it, Sister X was indeed "punctually challenged;" and she was treated much you might treat someone with a physical or mental disablitiy. You love them, and try to help them to participate as fully as possible in ward activities. You alter arrangements at times to meet their needs, and you encourage everyone in the ward to show appreciation and compassion to the person in question. However, a ward doesn't do away with basketball because some members are in wheel chairs; or cease to use visual aids in classrooms because some members are blind.

The response of most ward members was to simply take her as she was, but, to try to minimize the negative effects of her lateness on others.

For instance, when I, as a new member of the ward, was slated to do something with Sister X, I was warned (with a smile) that she would probably arrive much later than the appointed time, because, despite all her wonderful qualities, she tended to run late. That prepared me to wait in patience, rather than become increasingly irritated. Those she visit taught, knew she would be late, so they scheduled her visits accordingly. If you invited her and her family to dinner, you planned to eat long after the appointed time. When Sister X was hosting a R.S. activity in her home, she was asked to leave her front door open so that sisters could go in even if she was still at the store purchasing items for the salad (which is what she was doing the time I attended the activity). Sometimes, however, there was really no way to accommodate her lateness—if she was giving a lesson, once every other possible part of the meeting had been taken care of, we simply had to wait for her to show up.

As much as possible, individuals made allowances for her. And, although meetings, activities, dinners--in short, any communal activity--always started without her, as far as I could tell, she received no reproach in word or look when she finally arrived. Everyone liked her, and enjoyed being around her.

I find it rather sad, however, that Sister X missed out on so many things, and experienced so much unnecessary stress. And that so many people were so needlessly accommodating. Because being “punctually challenged” is not a real disability. It’s just a bad habit.

Some "Why?"s and "How?"s of Punctuality

I really liked Tanya Spackman's post on Millennial Star entitled"Punctuality as Part of the Pathway to Perfection." In response I wrote the following comment:

Thanks for this post, Tanya. IMO, punctuality really is an important trait to develop. Many years ago, I either read, or heard the following: "When you are late, the situation controls you; when you are early, you control the situation." This made sense to me, and I changed the way I did some things so that I could usually arrive early for meetings.

In the early years of my husband’s business career, he used to rush to the airport at the last minute when he had a business trip. Bad traffic usually meant that he was very agitated at every traffic delay, and increasingly worried that he might end up missing his plane. At some point his father mentioned that when he traveled, he always left about half an hour early, and took a book along to read once he was seated at the gate. My husband immediately changed his travel routine, and found it made a huge difference in reducing his stress level.

You wisely said,” Accept that things will take longer than you currently think they will take, and allow for that longer length of time." That is so true, and yet some of us tend to seriously underestimate how long it really takes to get out the door, get everyone belted in the car, and drive to the chapel. If we actually time those things, we can then add an appropriate number of extra minutes for taking care of last minute baby messes, finding lost shoes, hitting every light “red”, etc. It we don't add some extra minutes, we only make to church on time when there are no last minute crises, and we hit every light "green!" Of course, this scenario only works when your children are young enough for you to control. Getting teenagers out the door at the time you have set is a whole different proposition! :)

Later I posted another comment, partly in response to Geoff B's comment which mentioned that his wife, serving as activities' coordinator in a Miami ward, had taken to announcing a start time an hour earlier than the true start time, so most people would arrive at the true start time. He also said that their stake events always started on time. Here is my second comment:

Geoff B, I too have lived in Latin America; and I have seen that the leadership of a ward or stake can really make a difference. You mentioned that your stake meetings start on time, and that is great. In places where the culture essentially smiles on arriving late, I have occasionally seen a ward, or even an entire stake, where members managed to develop the punctuality habit. Instead of 25% of the congregation arriving on time, it was closer to 85%.

I can fully sympathize with your wife, but telling people an incorrect earlier starting time could be a bit dicey. It could be seen as reinforcing the cultural predilection to justify being dishonest in order to please people and/or get what you want. Also, in my experience, people eventually catch on to the deception, and readjust their arrival time accordingly. ;) I bet your wife can find a clever way to motivate your ward members to change their habits!

A personal example: When called as YW president in a Latin American ward many years ago, I was told that weekday Mutual was scheduled at 7:00 p.m., but since everyone arrived late, they usually couldn’t start until about 7:30 p.m. I convinced the YM president to help us change things. We put the word out that starting next week, we actually would start promptly at 7:00 p.m., and we did. As I recall there were only three of us there on time (some of the leaders were late, too!); but we had an opening hymn, prayer and announcements, and then stood in the foyer to direct the youth to their classes when they arrived. There were some very shocked leaders and youths that first night: “Opening exercises are OVER?!?” The word got around, and eventually almost everyone started arriving on time.

Unfortunately, I have also seen a very punctual U.S. ward (almost everyone in place a few minutes prior to the appointed time for Sacrament Meeting) change to one where the vast majority of the congregation arrived late--and this after just a few weeks of watching the new bishop always enter the chapel late, and noticing that the meeting never started before five minutes past the hour.

Some of us are perhaps too preoccupied with arriving early; some of us are chronically late; but I think most of us go with the flow. If our leaders make it clear (through words and actions) that they think it important to start and end meetings on time, we will usually try to follow their lead. If our leaders are habitually late, or seemingly heedless of scheduled times, we may cease to see punctuality as a priority, and become more and more lackadaisical and discourteous in our personal behavior.

I truly hope that in the Church we can strongly encourage punctuality, extolling its virtues as an ideal to aim for, while still always remaining compassionate [as Mary Seiver recommended in comment #5] towards those who, for whatever reason, sometimes (or even always) arrive late. :)

I love Visiting Teaching!

A blog post on Proud Daughter of Eve entitled How Do You Visit Teach? prompted me to respond at length. Here is what I said:

I have been a VT for decades, in many different countries, and I love how the program has evolved over the years. Here are some ideas to start you thinking about how YOU want to carry out your assignment as a VT:

I think a good visiting teacher is more than just a friend who helps us out in times of need; she also tries to "teach" the things that our leaders feel we need to learn, as expressed in the VT message in the "Ensign."

Usually you chat a bit when you arrive, so you know how the sister is doing, and if she has any particular needs. I know some sisters that seem uncomfortable giving the "message," but personally, I think that it is a wonderful opportunity to bring the Spirit into the home of the person we are visiting. I think the word "message" in the case of VT means the sharing of some spiritual thoughts relating to a particular theme; it is not a "lesson" like we get in Sunday School or Relief Society. You generally don't need to prepare handouts, an outline,etc., unless you feel prompted to do so in a particular case.

Whether the sister is super-active or not much interested in the Church, when the Spirit is brought into play, good things can happen. The beauty of the new format with a theme and quotes is that I see at least one quote every month that is appropriate for just about any situation the sister may be in: unmarried, single parent, busy mother, elderly nursing home resident, totally active, less active. As you prayfully consider each sister you visit, you may focus in on just one, two, or several of the quotes. There is always one from a member of the R.S. general presidency, and the others are from the prophets and apostles of this dispensation and from the Scriptures.

You can introduce the subject in a natural way, perhaps by a comment like, "One of the quotes in the message for this month particularly struck me. Pres. Hinckley (or Sister Parkin, the General Relief Society President) said the following about (insert subject)," and then read, or ask your companion or the sister to read a quote. You can then ask the sister for her reaction to the quote, or her thoughts about the subject; and/or you can offer your personal reaction. As it says in the introduction to each message, "Share your experiences and testimony. Invite those you teach to do the same."

Even those of us who are fully committed, believing members, benefit from a heartfelt expression of gospel truths, and it doesn't need to be a long discussion to have an inspiring effect.

Your companion and those you teach may well become dear friends, even if you don't seem to have much in common at first. The Spirit helps us understand one another, and binds us together in love as we read and talk about the inspired words given in the monthly messages.