Fellowcitizen with the Saints

Saying "Thy Will Be Done" in Advance

2009-05-18T11:46:00.005-06:00

Almost twelve years ago, my daughter Julie became aware of how seriously Alzheimer's disease had affected her grandmother's memory and personality. She, along with several other relatives, visited her in a care center where she was recovering from a serious fall. I was living abroad at the time, on a mission with my husband, and in answer to a letter from my daughter I wrote the following:

Dear Julie,

We appreciated your information on the visit to see Grandmother in the care center on the day of the [family] reunion. I am grateful that you understand things the way you do. I feel the same way. It certainly is terribly sad to see Grandmother suffer, and to realize that she will probably soon leave this mortal existence. But she is ready to go, and she seems to be trying her best to be brave and endure whatever she needs to right now.

We talked to Uncle [D] Friday, and he said that he thought that it was an eye‑opener for most of the grandchildren to see her as she was. He mentioned that perhaps many had not realized the extent to which Grandfather stage‑managed visits when he was present to help her deal with her Alzheimer's disease. Apparently she has times when she is more lucid than others, and times when her memory is sharper than others. (Michael said that his visit with her on Tuesday went well, and that she remembered their conversation when he talked to her on Thursday). But her short term memory is definitely unreliable, and seems to be deteriorating rapidly.

Uncle [D] said that Thursday she was still very confused as to where she was and why she was there, wondering if she were lost, and needed to go home. But Friday she was much calmer, and accepted the fact that it was best for her to stay in the care center for now. Grandfather realizes that he cannot carry her around; but they are hopeful that in a week or so the therapy will enable her to walk again, so that she can go home. If it turns out that she will not be able to walk, then they will need to consider whether to adapt their condo with a stair lift, hospital bed, etc., or to move somewhere else.

Apparently when you all arrived at the care center, Grandmother said something like, "I'm old, I'm dumb, and I'm ugly." When Uncle [D] mentioned that she had said that, I cried. I thought about how difficult it must be to FEEL that way because you can't take care of yourself, and you can't think straight, make decisions, or remember things.

Her entire life has been one of cheerful, unselfish service to those around her. She always had a high energy level, and whether it was vacuuming, sewing or doing crafts, she was incredibly quick. It wasn't until she was in her fifties that I noticed that I could work comfortably at her pace!

As age and infirmity began to slow her down, she came to terms with her situation, but continued to try her best to do things for others. These last few years she even struggled with her arthritis to keep making cards and [ribbon] roses for friends and family even though it was painful and time‑consuming. She always loved to cook and bake, and she has had to turn all the meal preparation over to Grandfather. She always took pains to be well groomed for Grandfather, as well as for the world in general. Now she probably can't even put on makeup by herself. She was a marvelous teacher and administrator, both in church callings and in the community. Now she realizes that she has to ask others to decide everything for her, and help her with the most basic every day tasks. She IS incredibly brave.

In the zone conferences this month I have been talking about maintaining our enthusiasm as missionaries, and overcoming discouragement. Some of the scriptures I am using seem to me to apply to Grandmother, and I hope they will always apply to me, too:

"And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord." Mosiah 24:15
"Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed." (D&C 123:17)

Grandmother has always been an example to her children, and she continues to be a light and an inspiration to all her posterity as she deals with her problems now. She is a righteous woman, and whatever she may have to suffer until Heavenly Father determines that it is time for her to leave this mortal sphere, it could be said to her as it was said to Joseph Smith:

"all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good" (D&C 122:7)

"peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high" (D&C 121:7‑8).

Truly her faith in Christ and her life of good works have given her the sure hope of a glorious resurrection.

Once again she and Grandfather face the refiner's fire, and I know they will both emerge even purer and stronger. Although in the future Grandmother may lose so much control that she can no longer be as cheerful and accepting as she is now, I firmly believe that her spirit has already said, "Thy will be done."

I love her. I honor her. I pray that I may demonstrate that love and honor as I try to follow her example, even unto the end.

With all my love, Mother

Although my mother recovered physically enough to return home, she became bedridden a few months later. My father installed a hospital bed in the living room, and lovingly cared for his eternal sweetheart until she passed away at the age of 91 in August 1999.

I will turn 69 shortly. As I see the effects of aging manifest themselves, I can't help but wonder if my life will follow a path similar to that of my mother.

Will I end up with a body unable to move from a bed on its own? Will my mind cloud over and fall prey to degenerating nerve connections? Will my spirit go dormant; or will it remain totally aware of being trapped in a mortal housing that is cut off from all meaningful communication with those around me?

No matter what the coming years may bring, my trust is in the Lord. I will continue to strive to make the best of whatever circumstances I may be in, and my goal is to truly internalize the wise advice of Elder Joseph P. Wirthlin's mother, as he explained it in his General Conference talk, "Come What May, and Love It."

I want all my loved ones to know that I say now to Our Father in Heaven, while in full possession of all my faculties, and with all my heart ( just as I believe my mother did), "Thy will be done."

Following My Leaders in Faith

2009-01-19T15:39:00.003-07:00

One of the LDS blogs I greatly enjoy and follow regularly is The Rains Came Down, the personal blog of a woman who goes by the name of SilverRain. I find all of her posts both inspiring and thought-provoking; and I have a similar reaction to her comments on other blogs.

One of her follow-up comments to her December 30, 2008 post entitled “If Only the Church Would Change,” contained the following observations:

It is hubris to believe that you know more and understand better than those who are called of God. Even if it is true, it's a moot point. It doesn't matter. It's even more prideful to believe that your agendas trump everything else the leadership has to deal with. This goes for a local level as much as a general one.

SilverRain’s thoughts struck me as both true and important. As I pondered them, I thought back to times past when I have occasionally been aware of things that leadership (at various levels) was having to deal with which were not public knowledge. I would then be particularly grateful that most faithful members are willing to be patient in difficult situations, and trust that even though our leaders are not perfect, they are usually trying their best, and they are usually inspired.

We are God’s children, not his puppets. Rather than always dictating the details of the "correct" way to do every single thing in the Church, the Lord usually allows us to use our agency and intelligence to try to solve problems, and set and achieve worthy goals. We are encouraged to seek personal revelation about many things, rather than relying solely upon the opinions of others.

For reasons we many not fully understand, Heavenly Father has not felt it necessary or wise to reveal all the knowledge many of us would like to have about many subjects that come up regularly in the Bloggernacle. However, thanks to the Restoration that began with the prophet Joseph Smith, I believe we now have access to all the knowledge that is necessary for us at this time.

As a part of allowing His children to grow and learn how to use their agency, God tolerates some less-than-perfect choices by all his children (including leaders). If we are wise, we will probably choose to extend the same understanding and forgiveness to our leaders that we hope others will offer us. We will try to learn from mistakes (those of others, as well as our own), seek healing from the Lord, and move forward.

I know I have been blessed when I have followed the counsel of my leaders in the past--even when it may have seemed unnecessary, inconvenient, or very difficult. I also believe I will blessed in the future as I choose to follow my leaders in faith, and cheerfully embrace whatever changes in programs or practices they are inspired to make.

A Worthy Challenge --Completed Early!

2008-10-02T10:12:00.003-06:00

Blogger Mormon Soprano has invited her readers in a post yesterday to Join the Hinckley Challenge, which is to re-read the Book of Mormon in 97 days in honor of President Gordon B. Hinckley.

She also gave a link to the website The Hinckley Challenge that explains the challenge and has a useful tracker to help monitor our reading.

I followed the link, and decided to register at the site, because I think it is a great way to motivate me to participate regularly in a worthy effort.

The Book of Mormon has been one of the most powerful influences for good in my life, and I know that a complete reading of the entire book right now will bring me added inspiration and blessings, just as it did when I accepted the original challenge from President Hinckley in 2005.

The Power of Example

2008-09-27T09:30:00.007-06:00

I have a grandson who thinks he's a dog. An only child, he's almost a year old, and he has grown up in close association with a very friendly and protective family pet. Although he can walk several steps alone now, he prefers to crawl; and lately he has taken to carrying toys in his mouth as he scurries around on all fours--just like his older and bigger "brother" does.

Very soon, of course, he will realize that he is really not a dog, but a human like Mom and Dad. Once he is able to walk faster than he can crawl, he'll see that hands are better than his mouth for carrying toys. But meanwhile, he is a living example of how naturally little children learn by example.

I'm around little children a lot, and I need to remember that the things I do and say, the way I deal with everyday crises and triumphs, even the expressions on my face that show how I react to things--all these are examples that can help those little ones to grow into honest, compassionate, hard-working adults.

Just as my grandson will come to know that he is more like his earthly parents than like his dog, I pray he will come to realize he also has the divine potential to develop the attributes of his Heavenly Father.

The family dog can teach a boy a lot about having fun, loyalty, obedience, and affection. But it will be the good example of the humans around him that will truly help him see who he really is, and what he can become.

Plumbing the Depths without Languishing in the Dumps

2008-09-25T10:16:00.005-06:00

(Note: I have never suffered from clinical depression, so in this post I am referring only to my experience with emotions. I recognize that my case may not be typical.)

Mulling & Musing has written a beautiful post on motherhood at her blog, entitled Digging Deep. It set me to thinking about how and why I had grown and changed for the better over the last 41 years since we had our first child.

My memories of being a stay-at-home-mother of six were sharpened earlier this summer, when I received a packet of about 40 letters I had written over a period several years to my sister-in-law, telling of our daily life when the children were growing up. As I read about some of the incredibly demanding times in my life, I recalled how much I had to learn to rely on the Lord to bring me through the tough times.

I could also remember how much I loved being a mother of my children at their different stages of life; and how much joy came into my life--and still comes into my life--because those six amazing spirits had been lent to my husband and me by the Lord. I can't imagine any other career that would have given me the breadth and depth of intellectual, emotional and spiritual experience that I have been privileged to have as a wife and mother.

Even though as LDS mothers we are bound to have feelings of inadequacy, and there are times when we aren't sure we can stand the pressure one more minute, we can know that if we are willing to have faith and trust in the Lord, there is a sure source of divine help that will never fail. Often, for me, the answers or solutions did not come immediately. But when I was willing to let go of my anger and/or anguish, the comfort and reassurance always came. The faith and trust part usually involved plumbing the depths of patience if I wanted to avoid remaining emotionally in the dumps.

My children are all grown now, and I try to treat them as equals--not demanding too much attention, and shying away from giving unasked-for advice. But I will always be their mother; and I continue to weep for their sorrows and rejoice at their happiness and success in life. My love for them only grows stronger, and I will always, always, care about how their lives are unfolding.

In her post, M & M quoted from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland’s talk “Because She Is a Mother” , given in the April 1997 General Conference. This is a favorite talk of mine, also, and I read that same quote to our Marriage and Family Relations Sunday School class recently because it is a key part of the lesson on the sacred role of mother.

I guess I must have cried a million tears over the years. But I have also laughed a lot more than I have cried. Fortunately, as time goes by, I find that I forget more and more of the sad times, and remember the happy times. As I have sorrowed over my mistakes as a wife and mother, I have tried to fully repent, and then allow the miracle of the Atonement to heal my broken heart. This is still an ongoing process for me, but I can see that I have made progress.

Whenever I am tempted to sink from sadness into despair because of my failures and shortcomings as a mother, I try to remember the sentiments expressed by Elder Holland in that same talk:

Rely on Him. Rely on Him heavily. Rely on Him forever. And "press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope." You are doing God's work. You are doing it wonderfully well. He is blessing you and He will bless you, even--no, especially--when your days and your nights may be the most challenging. Like the woman who anonymously, meekly, perhaps even with hesitation and some embarrassment, fought her way through the crowd just to touch the hem of the Master's garment, so Christ will say to the women who worry and wonder and sometimes weep over their responsibility as mothers, "Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole." And it will make your children whole as well.

That ultimate hope--that my children can be healed of any harm due to my thoughtless or unwise words or actions--sustains me when I wonder if I have contributed to the cause of any of their present sufferings.

Once again, M & M found the way to beautifully express the thoughts of my heart about why I have been, and still am, immensely grateful to be a mother:

. . . I am doing this motherhood thing -- giving so much of my life and self and time and energy -- not just because the children need me (which they do, imperfect as I am), but because I need them. I need to be their mom, to learn to overcome my natural self. This role is teaching me new depths of faith and love and sacrifice and endurance, and helping me feel new depths of God's love and grace and refining power.

Standing Tall for What We Believe

2008-07-09T23:01:00.002-06:00

I just read a great blog post on Happy Meets Crazy, one of my favorite LDS blogs.

If you want to reconfirm your feeling that we are richly blessed to be women living in this day and age, when the Gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored to earth; if you want to read about how we can be an importance influence for good in a world that is losing its way; if you just want a reason to stand up and cheer for all that's good and true--read this post: Followers of Jesus Christ, Women of God

Back to Blogging, after a Long Hiatus

2008-07-01T13:35:00.006-06:00

It's time for me to get back to blogging, even if my life is hectic, and I sometimes forget which state I am in.

I have been so inspired by some of the blog posts I have read recently, including several on The Rains Came Down and The Things of My Soul blogs, that I am determined to make the time to blog here about things I am learning.

Perhaps through sharing the some of the experiences, ideas and feelings that are helping me to examine and make changes in my life, both my readers and I will grow closer to God, and find even more peace and happiness in our daily lives.

Only time will reveal if this resolution to blog holds firm. But writing this post will definitely encourage me to follow through on my intentions!

Enjoying Diversity

2007-06-17T13:02:00.000-06:00

The first Sunday we attended our new ward in Texas, I was delighted to hear an Asian accent and a Hispanic accent as the Sacrament prayers were given. At the conclusion of our meetings, I realized that we had the blessing of moving into a ward that had a wonderful mixture: born-in-the-Church & converts; native Texans & people from various states and other countries; young, old & everything in between. In Relief Society, as different opinions were expressed, I sensed an open-heartedness that was refreshing and inspiring.

The day we moved into our new house, we noticed that many of the neighbors came outside with their children, and the first two families we met were from South Africa and India.

We look forward to making many new friends!

No Looking Back

2007-06-09T10:27:00.001-06:00

A few weeks ago my oldest son and I exchanged good-bye waves as he backed out of our driveway for the last time. What happened as I watched him drive away has prompted me to write
No Turning Back, my latest post at A Prayer of Faith.

On the Road, Again

2007-03-01T06:55:00.000-07:00

Yes, we are moving again. But to two different places, so it's double the fun, and way more than double the hassle. If all goes well, by the end of 2007 we will be fully established as permanent residents of Texas, with a second (mostly summer) home in Washington state. The call of grandchildren is strong, and we are answering!

Everything in our present house (including that large, full basement with its hundreds of boxes) must be examined. Once the decision to donate, trash or keep is made, an additional decision comes to the fore--do we want this to go north, or south? Then we need to pack everything ourselves.

Ah, for the days when a company was moving us, and once we had cleared out everything we didn't want, in a matter of hours all our worldly goods were boxed up and taken away to be crated prior to being shipped to another country.

Thus, for the next few months, any serious blogging I do will be on A Prayer of Faith. That blog is being revived this month after a long period of light activity caused primarily by the fact that all of the permabloggers hit super-busy times in our lives!

But we are determined to get things going again, and with the addition of some new writers, it will happen!

An Answered Cri de Coeur

2006-12-06T06:41:00.000-07:00

The cries of my three-year-old grandson combined with a statement by Dostoyevsky in prompting me to write this post for A Prayer of Faith.

Why the Prohibitions in the Word of Wisdom?

2006-11-04T06:36:00.000-07:00

My most recent post on A Prayer of Faith deals with this theme. It has generated some interesting discussion, and at least one reader indicated that it helped her. And thus I deem it worth the time and effort it took me to write it!

Getting It Right

2006-10-21T14:56:00.000-06:00

I posted on the theme of learning patience as we accept God's help in correcting our faults at A Prayer of Faith yesterday.

Some Things are Definitely Worth Looking for

2006-10-09T12:45:00.000-06:00

Our first stop took us to the home of one of our daughters--an intelligent, beautiful, charming, thirty-eight-year-old woman who has a thriving career in marketing for one of the big housing developers in a Southwestern state.

She would trade that career in a second for the opportunity to be a SAHM of a large family.

Unfortunately, Mr. Right has not yet made an appearance. Her nieces and nephews, as well as young cousins, are the focus of her loving nature, and her new, tastefully decorated home is replete with photos of family, with emphasis on the youngest members.

Mr. Right, wherever you are, your wonderful life-partner is still available. Look for her. Your reward will be well worth the effort.

Wandering in Earnest

2006-10-09T12:06:00.000-06:00

My husband and I have begun a road trip which is intended to last about five weeks. He does the driving, and I switch between dozing, listening to the Book of Mormon in Spanish on my personal CD player, listening to classical music on the car CD player, gazing out the window, thinking deep thoughts/meditating/praying, and contributing scintillating comments to intervals of fascinating conversation.

Be of Good Cheer

2006-09-21T10:34:00.000-06:00

I posted on this theme at A Prayer of Faith yesterday.

Strength through Submission

2006-07-06T19:38:00.000-06:00

I posted on this theme on Roxcy: A Prayer of Faith this morning.

Growing Up unto the Lord (Helaman 3:21)

2006-04-24T20:17:00.000-06:00

In a post entitled Gratifying, on A Prayer of Faith, Starfoxy recently wrote, "I love to comfort [my son], and enjoy sitting with him in my arms." Téa, in a concurring comment, wrote, "I need to hold onto those joyful moments in anticipation of when he will no longer seek to be comforted."

I like the analogy that Starfoxy then drew between a mother's relationship to her child, and our Heavenly Father's relationship to us, his spirit children: "When we need comfort from him we’re much more ’still’ we seek him out and listen carefully." And Téa remarked, "I like your application to us and our relationship with God. Do you suppose part of the gratification He feels is pleasure as we are doing as He has asked, to come unto Him, to cast our burdens on Him?"

This thought-provoking post and the ensuing comments prompted me to seek out a passage in my journal where I wrote about the changing joys that come with parenthood as our children grow up. At the time, our six children ranged in age from 13, down to just-turned-two.

We saw Orson Welles' classic film "Citizen Kane" on television last night, and I can now understand why it is termed a classic. [Our three oldest] watched with us, and I believe the two oldest, at least, were able to comprehend much of it. We talked a while afterwards about it, and I realized once again how much I enjoy being able to discuss things with the children. It is this pleasure in seeing their minds and spirits expand which must now replace the delights of watching babies learn to walk and talk. Right now we have a bit of both, but our youngest is growing up so fast that it is only a matter of months before the word "baby" will cease to apply at all. Like all mothers, I'm torn between the desire to see him progress and develop, and the desire to retain those precious moments when his young age is most evident. I know that one day soon he will come to me and say, not "Bla-blap," but "Lap," and then, "I want to sit on your lap." And eventually, of course, the request itself will cease.

Those sweet requests for comfort in my arms have long since passed into the realm of cherished memories. The two-year-old in that journal entry has grown into a fine man with a family of his own; and I can relive those tender moments of young motherhood now when I hold his little son on my lap and rest my cheek on his curly head.

Continuing with Starfoxy's analogy, I wonder if, just as I find great joy in the adult relationship my son and I now share, God may indeed take pleasure in seeing his spirit children progress beyond the spiritual equivalent of the "terrible twos" or the mercurial stage of adolescence. I think we please him well when we progress in knowledge and understanding so that we seek him out as often to thank and praise him, as we do for comfort and reassurance; or when we consistently seek to follow in his ways more often than we "kick against the pricks."

Even as I am confident of God's love throughout my entire journey through mortality, I pray that I can love and appreciate my children and grandchildren in all their stages of growth, and do my part to help them learn to know and love God, to understand his great plan of happiness, and to walk in the paths of righteousness.

We all continually stumble and veer off the the straight and narrow way from time to time, but my abiding hope is that as each of us approaches the end of our mortal probation, we will feel that we have matured spiritually, fulfilled our earthly mission, and have our trust firmly placed in the redeeming power of Christ.

Surely our Heavenly Father and our Savior will feel joy when we can say, as Enos did, " I rejoice in the day when my mortal shall put on immortality, and shall stand before [Christ]; then shall I see his face with pleasure, and he will say unto me: Come unto me, ye blessed, there is a place prepared for you in the mansions of my Father."

At that moment, we will truly have "grown up unto the Lord."

Searching for Truth

2006-04-18T19:31:00.000-06:00

I was recently invited to join several other LDS women as a blogger on "A Prayer of Faith," and today I published my first (not counting my introduction) post, entitled "Oh Say, Where is Truth."
When I first starting writing the post, I had difficulty focusing in on just one main point. I knew I wanted to stimulate discussion on how we find truth in the media, and how fiction can often strike us as containing more truth than history books, biographies, works dealing with the social sciences, or even the physical sciences. I also am interested in how parents teach their children to discern truth in the media. Perhaps I can refocus my thoughts and write another post (or two) asking those questions.

Showing love for our spouse

2006-04-10T18:38:00.000-06:00

Starfoxy has an interesting post on The Prayer of Faith blog entitled Change which probes the question of how we should deal with changes we may observe in our spouse. Here are my comments (slightly modified) on Starfoxy's post and follow-up remarks by another person:

One of my father's favorite sayings is "Nothing in life is certain except change." And hopefully we can concentrate on dealing with change (in ourselves and in others) in a positive, rather than a negative way, especially as change may affect marital relationships.

[Commenter E], I think you have a good point about spouses trying to be their best for each other. If we knew President Hinckley was coming to visit us, we would probably take care in our grooming and dress, and be on our best behavior, out of love and respect for the prophet of the Lord. Would it not enhance our relationship with our eternal companion if we showed similar love and respect for our spouses? Of course our bodies and personalities change over the years. But in my experience, if we continue to try to (as you put it) "[do] the best you can with what you got (within reason)," our spouse will see us through the lens of love, which blends the past and present to increased advantage.

As a child, a noticed that my mother always combed her hair and freshened her lipstick just before my father arrived home from work. She and my father always spoke and acted respectfully to one another, even in times of disagreement. Those ways of acting communicated to me that they were in love; and that it was just as important for them to look nice for each other, and behave well towards each other, as to look and act well for a public appearance.

When my mother was ninety, bedridden with Alzheimer's, shrunken in frame, and wandering in mind, my father lovingly cared for her, dressing her tenderly in inexpensive, but attractive nightgowns, combing her sparse white hair and putting a touch of lipstick on her lips. To him she was still beautiful, forever his beloved queenly wife. And although she lost all short term memory, she was blessed to retain her recognition of her adored and adoring husband until her dying day.

Now in my sixties, as I look around at the older couples I know who have been happily married for over forty years, I notice that most of them have continued to take some thought for their appearance, and also work on improving their relationship, rather than taking it for granted. As my daughter (in her 30's) observed, why wait until you are divorced, and seeking a new mate, to suddenly sharpen your looks to be attractive to the opposite sex? And why not care enough for your spouse (and your children) to try to overcome a quick temper, a sharp tongue, or a sullen disposition which may be new or longstanding barriers to familial unity.

None of us are perfect, but a sense of humor combined with a generous spirit generally seem to help happy couples to come to terms with irritating habits, increasing pounds and wrinkles, and personality changes due to coping with babies and toddlers, work-related stress, illness, or age. And a special added measure of joy seems to grace the lives of those who make the effort to put their best foot forward, whenever they can, for the person with whom they hope to spend all eternity.

How Do We Deal with the "Punctually-challenged?"

2006-03-21T14:46:00.000-07:00

Jay posed the following question on the thread dealing with punctuality at Millennial Star, "I wonder what our response to the punctually challenged should be?" link to comment

That's a great question to ask, and it prompted the following thoughts:

I witnessed how one ward dealt with a wonderful sister who was beloved by all, despite her tendancy to be late to everything. Sister X was bright, faithful, beautiful, active, and had many admirable character qualities. But she was continually late. Always apologetic, but always late.

In a way, looking back on it, Sister X was indeed "punctually challenged;" and she was treated much you might treat someone with a physical or mental disablitiy. You love them, and try to help them to participate as fully as possible in ward activities. You alter arrangements at times to meet their needs, and you encourage everyone in the ward to show appreciation and compassion to the person in question. However, a ward doesn't do away with basketball because some members are in wheel chairs; or cease to use visual aids in classrooms because some members are blind.

The response of most ward members was to simply take her as she was, but, to try to minimize the negative effects of her lateness on others.

For instance, when I, as a new member of the ward, was slated to do something with Sister X, I was warned (with a smile) that she would probably arrive much later than the appointed time, because, despite all her wonderful qualities, she tended to run late. That prepared me to wait in patience, rather than become increasingly irritated. Those she visit taught, knew she would be late, so they scheduled her visits accordingly. If you invited her and her family to dinner, you planned to eat long after the appointed time. When Sister X was hosting a R.S. activity in her home, she was asked to leave her front door open so that sisters could go in even if she was still at the store purchasing items for the salad (which is what she was doing the time I attended the activity). Sometimes, however, there was really no way to accommodate her lateness—if she was giving a lesson, once every other possible part of the meeting had been taken care of, we simply had to wait for her to show up.

As much as possible, individuals made allowances for her. And, although meetings, activities, dinners--in short, any communal activity--always started without her, as far as I could tell, she received no reproach in word or look when she finally arrived. Everyone liked her, and enjoyed being around her.

I find it rather sad, however, that Sister X missed out on so many things, and experienced so much unnecessary stress. And that so many people were so needlessly accommodating. Because being “punctually challenged” is not a real disability. It’s just a bad habit.

Some "Why?"s and "How?"s of Punctuality

2006-03-21T02:19:00.000-07:00

I really liked Tanya Spackman's post on Millennial Star entitled"Punctuality as Part of the Pathway to Perfection." In response I wrote the following comment:

Thanks for this post, Tanya. IMO, punctuality really is an important trait to develop. Many years ago, I either read, or heard the following: "When you are late, the situation controls you; when you are early, you control the situation." This made sense to me, and I changed the way I did some things so that I could usually arrive early for meetings.

In the early years of my husband’s business career, he used to rush to the airport at the last minute when he had a business trip. Bad traffic usually meant that he was very agitated at every traffic delay, and increasingly worried that he might end up missing his plane. At some point his father mentioned that when he traveled, he always left about half an hour early, and took a book along to read once he was seated at the gate. My husband immediately changed his travel routine, and found it made a huge difference in reducing his stress level.

You wisely said,” Accept that things will take longer than you currently think they will take, and allow for that longer length of time." That is so true, and yet some of us tend to seriously underestimate how long it really takes to get out the door, get everyone belted in the car, and drive to the chapel. If we actually time those things, we can then add an appropriate number of extra minutes for taking care of last minute baby messes, finding lost shoes, hitting every light “red”, etc. It we don't add some extra minutes, we only make to church on time when there are no last minute crises, and we hit every light "green!" Of course, this scenario only works when your children are young enough for you to control. Getting teenagers out the door at the time you have set is a whole different proposition! :)

Later I posted another comment, partly in response to Geoff B's comment which mentioned that his wife, serving as activities' coordinator in a Miami ward, had taken to announcing a start time an hour earlier than the true start time, so most people would arrive at the true start time. He also said that their stake events always started on time. Here is my second comment:

Geoff B, I too have lived in Latin America; and I have seen that the leadership of a ward or stake can really make a difference. You mentioned that your stake meetings start on time, and that is great. In places where the culture essentially smiles on arriving late, I have occasionally seen a ward, or even an entire stake, where members managed to develop the punctuality habit. Instead of 25% of the congregation arriving on time, it was closer to 85%.

I can fully sympathize with your wife, but telling people an incorrect earlier starting time could be a bit dicey. It could be seen as reinforcing the cultural predilection to justify being dishonest in order to please people and/or get what you want. Also, in my experience, people eventually catch on to the deception, and readjust their arrival time accordingly. ;) I bet your wife can find a clever way to motivate your ward members to change their habits!

A personal example: When called as YW president in a Latin American ward many years ago, I was told that weekday Mutual was scheduled at 7:00 p.m., but since everyone arrived late, they usually couldn’t start until about 7:30 p.m. I convinced the YM president to help us change things. We put the word out that starting next week, we actually would start promptly at 7:00 p.m., and we did. As I recall there were only three of us there on time (some of the leaders were late, too!); but we had an opening hymn, prayer and announcements, and then stood in the foyer to direct the youth to their classes when they arrived. There were some very shocked leaders and youths that first night: “Opening exercises are OVER?!?” The word got around, and eventually almost everyone started arriving on time.

Unfortunately, I have also seen a very punctual U.S. ward (almost everyone in place a few minutes prior to the appointed time for Sacrament Meeting) change to one where the vast majority of the congregation arrived late--and this after just a few weeks of watching the new bishop always enter the chapel late, and noticing that the meeting never started before five minutes past the hour.

Some of us are perhaps too preoccupied with arriving early; some of us are chronically late; but I think most of us go with the flow. If our leaders make it clear (through words and actions) that they think it important to start and end meetings on time, we will usually try to follow their lead. If our leaders are habitually late, or seemingly heedless of scheduled times, we may cease to see punctuality as a priority, and become more and more lackadaisical and discourteous in our personal behavior.

I truly hope that in the Church we can strongly encourage punctuality, extolling its virtues as an ideal to aim for, while still always remaining compassionate [as Mary Seiver recommended in comment #5] towards those who, for whatever reason, sometimes (or even always) arrive late. :)

I love Visiting Teaching!

2006-02-28T22:55:00.000-07:00

A blog post on Proud Daughter of Eve entitled How Do You Visit Teach? prompted me to respond at length. Here is what I said:

I have been a VT for decades, in many different countries, and I love how the program has evolved over the years. Here are some ideas to start you thinking about how YOU want to carry out your assignment as a VT:

I think a good visiting teacher is more than just a friend who helps us out in times of need; she also tries to "teach" the things that our leaders feel we need to learn, as expressed in the VT message in the "Ensign."

Usually you chat a bit when you arrive, so you know how the sister is doing, and if she has any particular needs. I know some sisters that seem uncomfortable giving the "message," but personally, I think that it is a wonderful opportunity to bring the Spirit into the home of the person we are visiting. I think the word "message" in the case of VT means the sharing of some spiritual thoughts relating to a particular theme; it is not a "lesson" like we get in Sunday School or Relief Society. You generally don't need to prepare handouts, an outline,etc., unless you feel prompted to do so in a particular case.

Whether the sister is super-active or not much interested in the Church, when the Spirit is brought into play, good things can happen. The beauty of the new format with a theme and quotes is that I see at least one quote every month that is appropriate for just about any situation the sister may be in: unmarried, single parent, busy mother, elderly nursing home resident, totally active, less active. As you prayfully consider each sister you visit, you may focus in on just one, two, or several of the quotes. There is always one from a member of the R.S. general presidency, and the others are from the prophets and apostles of this dispensation and from the Scriptures.

You can introduce the subject in a natural way, perhaps by a comment like, "One of the quotes in the message for this month particularly struck me. Pres. Hinckley (or Sister Parkin, the General Relief Society President) said the following about (insert subject)," and then read, or ask your companion or the sister to read a quote. You can then ask the sister for her reaction to the quote, or her thoughts about the subject; and/or you can offer your personal reaction. As it says in the introduction to each message, "Share your experiences and testimony. Invite those you teach to do the same."

Even those of us who are fully committed, believing members, benefit from a heartfelt expression of gospel truths, and it doesn't need to be a long discussion to have an inspiring effect.

Your companion and those you teach may well become dear friends, even if you don't seem to have much in common at first. The Spirit helps us understand one another, and binds us together in love as we read and talk about the inspired words given in the monthly messages.

New Year, New Venture

2006-02-07T17:25:00.000-07:00

I have pondered the idea of starting a blog for some time, and have finally decided that now is the moment. I chose the title from a favorite scripture, which I quoted in a talk I gave recently:
"Now therefore ye are no more strangers and foreigners, but fellowcitizens with the saints, and of the household of God." Ephesians 2:19.
Dear Husband (henceforth to be referred to as DH) quoted this verse in a talk when our family moved from Latin America to the U.K.; and it has come to my mind many times since then, as we have journeyed from place to place. Our appearance, or our accent, may mark us as strangers or foreigners. But whenever we are with other members of the Church, we are united by the covenants we have made, and by our desires to sustain one another as we seek to build a Zion society.
Although I love the country of my birth, in many ways I have lived the life of a nomad. Now, in the the seventh decade of my life, family ties continue to strengthen even as they stretch across the globe. Modern communication enables me to hear or read the thoughts and feelings of those I love most, even when they are far away. The two things that enable me to find joy in the circumstances of my daily life, wherever I may be, are my close relationships with family members, and my opportunities to serve with fellowcitizens who are of the household of God.